Free Advice for Women

Note: This is a letter sent to Eve from a girl we’ll call “Surf Girl.”

Surf Girl’s Story:

The Beginning of Surf Girl’s Story With Surf Guy
Hello,

I have this acquaintance that I know from out in the ocean. I surf with him, and he talks to my father. The first time he came to my surf spot, he tried to talk to me, and asked me who I came with. When I told him I came with my father, he started not being able to make eye contact with me, and he talked to my dad all the time.

My dad became pretty good friends with him, and they would always talk when we would go out to surf. He would still talk to me afterwards, but it would be short, and he would glance at me, look down, or look somewhere else.

When we would converse for short moments, he would ask me questions about myself, and remember the things I told him. I did not have to repeat anything to him, which made me feel special – but I never saw a relationship with him, he was just my dads nice beach friend.

Meeting Surf Boy Again After a Few Years

Fast forward 6 years. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years, and was enjoying myself in the ocean. I had not seen Surf Guy because he had been overseas.

The crowd had changed in my surf spot, and I wasn’t liking the new crowd.

When Surf Guy came back, my dad had stopped surfing, but I remembered him as a familiar face, and was so happy to see him.

I paddled up, and grabbed his leg, telling him, “Hello, where have you been?” He still looked really apprehensive and shy (frequently looking away from me), but he told me where he was, what he does, and how he missed the Islands.

The next day, I saw him again, and paddled next to him, smiled, and said “Hello.” He asked about my dad, and I told him that dad was on the sand.

Out of the blue, he asked me for my Facebook, and I gave him my email, and last name. I had given my Facebook to many other surfer guys out there who asked for it, but none of them remembered my information, so I thought “Well, if this guy really likes me, he will remember my ridiculously long last name and email.”

I did not give the request too much thought though. I checked my email that night, no request.

Then, a day later, I saw him out in the surf again, the day before he was leaving, and he told me he could not find me, and if he could have my last name and email again. I thought “What the heck,” and gave it to him. We then caught a couple of waves together, and made like we were taking pictures of each other. He told me that I was really graceful (I had heard this before) and I said thank you. He then left, and that evening I got a friend request.

Surfer Girl Falls in Love With Surfer Guy

From Feb 2010-April 2010, we wrote letters to each other. It started short, but soon grew in length. We talked about his family, his work and travels (he sent me lots of pictures), what we have to do when he gets back, my past relationship (he asked), surfing, our likes/dislikes.

We found that we had a lot in common, and I soon was head over heels for him. He told me where he wants to live, and asked me to come and check out the land with him. We told each other that we really liked one another by email letters. I thought I found my soul mate.

I had always been looking for someone who could understand my need to be near the ocean, and share my love for it, but who was cultured. He fit the bill nicely, plus he looks good. We referred to each other as My Merman (for him), and My Mermaid (for me). He even spotted a paddle with “Mermaid” inscribed on it.

Surfer Girl’s Long Distance Relationship Becomes Real

He came back the middle of April, and I picked him off the dock. It was weird. I was hoping that it would be instant connection, but that was never to be.

We met each other, hugged, and he showed me around the ship. He was really scared, I could tell by the way he hugged me. We then met some of his friends and family on deck, but did not introduce me….I was pretty upset.

After that I went back to his bunk, and he introduced me to all of his bunk mates, and gave me a pearl. We went out to eat and had a nice time chatting about the surf, and he tried to kiss me. I wanted it to be special though, so I told him “No.” He kissed me on my cheek, and we went our separate ways.

Surfer Girl Surfing With Surfer Guy

After that we started going out surfing in the morning, he showed me new spots with his other friend, and we would go out together. Then he would take me out to breakfast, and go to work.

That is when the communication problem reared its ugly head.

He liked being silent as a rock, and I like to talk about nothing (as evidenced in this long email). He told me that I irritate him when I talk about nothing of importance (aka work related things), and I think that talking about funny unimportant stuff is important – very important.

We still enjoyed each other’s company, though, as weird as it may seem. For me, his company made me feel so comfortable. He made me relaxed, because I usually have a lot of energy.

One day after breakfast, he kissed me on the cheek and forehead, and I grabbed his arm and kissed him. It was so beautiful. I know I sound corny, but it felt as if everything just vanished into bliss for those couple seconds.

The next day, we met after work, and went out for coffee and reading. He goes to sleep early, but we wanted to go out to the beach in the evening, and so I asked him if he wanted to go. He told me “No, I dont want to end up doing anything I may regret later.”

But I kept asking and we went. Conversation was nice at the beach, but we talked about oil tankers instead of each other, then started cracking jokes, which led to some dry sex.

After this evening, he gave me some rotten “I want you” texts. The problem is I did not want to have sex, I wanted to get to know him – and I was having problems with that because he doesn’t like talking. In fact, it seemed as if he could better express himself with texts/letters.

So, I told him by text that I did not want to have sex with him, and he asked me if I was wasting his time. Did he write all of those letters just to get me in bed? I told him I want a relationship, and he told me that “He would like to but he can’t, because he will be leaving soon and relationships don’t work long distance.”

We went out again, and after surfing, he mumbled “Why do I have to leave when I have found someone?” And made me feel nice. In mid-May, we went on vacation together, and got into a lot of fights there in regards to me going off on my own and leaving him, which was because of our poor communication.

We then ran into road blocks when it came to personal communication as well, as before. We had sex, but it wasn’t anything special for me. We just did it. When we got back, he started getting aggro when I would talk to other guys out in the surf. And I didn’t understand him because I don’t cheat, but he would always bring up me talking to all my other boyfriends. Whatever. We went to his mom’s house, and I fell in love with his family. I should not have went, but the feeling of familiarity I get around him makes me forget all this communication problems we have.

His family liked me a lot too, and told me that they hope it works out. I had a talk with his mom, and found out that he had many girlfriends that cheated on him.

Now, we go out to surf with his friends, he shows me pictures of his travels, we cook out together, and read. However, he always wants to have sex. When I tell him “No,” he’s fine. But sometimes, he will tell me to “Go home then,” or “Fine, I can get it from someone else” some other rude bullcrap. The weird thing is that when I tell him to “Go, I don’t care if you get it from someone else, just don’t come back to me,” he will smile, run by me, and hug me?

Bottom line is, he will take me to his mom, but tell me to get out when I don’t want to have sex. He will take me out to dinner/breakfast but be rude and use his phone while we are there (at first he used to be glued to his cell looking at stocks, browsing, facebook crap while we were eating, but after a while he started leaving his phone in the car). And of course there is our communication problem, which I am getting sick of. It seems as if its getting better so ever s l o w l y as he will now listen to my stories, but the counter side of this is that he much rather talk about sex. So I really do not know where he is coming from any more.

What should I do, and what is going on?

Sincerely,

Surfer Girl

Dear Surfer Girl,

Wow, it sounds like you’ve got yourself in quite the jam. And you also sound very young. Most (if not ALL men) actually want sex with women they’re dating. So it’s not strange or inappropriate that he wants sex with you.

Unless you are a minor, or he is also very young, there is nothing wrong with him wanting to be sexual with you.

Here’s what’s wrong: You having sex with him when you don’t really want to. I hate to tell you this, but you don’t sound like you are ready for a mature relationship right now. You don’t seem to be ready for a sexual relationship right now. What is your rush? Why are you having sex with a guy you clearly don’t really want to be having sex with?

Why are you continuing to go out with a guy who has communication problems? Here’s the truth: MOST men would rather not talk if they can help it. Society pressures them to be stoic, and to refrain from talking about anything. But if that is a major problem for you, it is better for you to look for a boyfriend who can, at least, talk about “nothing” as you so eloquently wrote.

Surfer Girl, you sound SO young to me! I wonder why you are rushing into things like this with a guy who is CLEARLY not that into you. If a man is into a woman, there is NOTHING that will stop him from being with her. Long distances will not stop him from entering into a relationship with someone he loves. So please don’t EVER accept that as an excuse.

Good luck, Surfer Girl, in finding a Surfer Guy who is much much better than this cold, icky fish. Throw him back into the ocean for someone else.

Sincerely,
Eve

Dear Eve,

Sincerely,
Needs Help!

Dear Needs Help,

Ouch, this situation sounds like it has been a very painful one for both you and your boyfriend. If you are convinced that you have been the cause of the break-ups and your therapist agrees, then I do believe your boyfriend is simply taking steps to protect himself in case your old issues resurface again.

Men can trigger very painful childhood memories and it is very common for women to lash out at men when those memories are triggered. Only a small percentage of women are completely, 100 percent emotionally healthy from a good childhood. Most of us carry a lot of emotional baggage.

In the case of your man, I would suggest giving him plenty of time. Of course he doesn’t want to move back in with you right away! Living with someone is a huge step, and if you have hurt him in the past, he needs to have a safe place (his own house or apartment).

About the wanting to see him all the time and telling him how you feel about him: that is one of the major differences between men and women. For a woman, it is very natural to tell their men how much they love them. For most men, telling their women how they feel about them is a little like going to the dentist. They really don’t want to go to the dentist, even though they know they need to. Even though the dentist is going to fix their teeth, clean them, make them all shiny and new, and they’ll feel much better about it after — they still don’t want to go to the dentist. Get what I’m saying?

Men are taught from birth to suppress their emotions, and so when they are in relationships, it’s a miracle they are able to express their feelings at all. Try to give him a break on that one. If he NEVER told you he loves you, that would be one thing.

Right now, it seems like the two of you are doing the best you can. Hang in there, and I hope the relationship eventually repairs itself to a state you both find acceptable.

Sincerely,

Eve

Dear Eve,

What do I do?

Dear Wondering,

You are quite right. If a man is serious, then NOTHING will stop him from calling. I do not think you are a fuddy-duddy at all. Rather, you are a woman with self-respect. Women should not chase men at any age. It is not attractive to men at all.

What the guy you met is doing, however, is just letting time pass to consider his options. I disagree slightly with your 24 to 48-hours rule. Many men just cannot think that fast. It takes courage to call a woman (even a woman who has expressed interest) and he may be working up his nerve.

He may also have the numbers of other women he wants to call.

My advice to you is to wait a week to 10 days. THEN if he doesn’t call you, it’s appropriate to move on and forget about him. Men can be very cowardly. But this is no reflection on you.

Stick to your rules no matter what your friends say! I have never heard of a successful relationship being formed when the woman makes the first move. We may be living in “modern” times, but that rule remains steadfast.

Sincerely,
Eve

Hi Ms Eve,
This is Tina. I received a profile of a man from his family at the end of March and I also sent them my profile later. We both liked each other’s pics and other personal and family background. It is an issue of an “arranged marriage.” Later on, he sent me an email after 2 weeks because he was in training to introduce himself and gave me his number. He gave me the option to call him or he can call me as well. So, he decided to call me since I emailed him my number and I told him to call me or I can call him, too.

Thanks and take care.
Tina

Dear Tina,

Sometimes men’s behavior is confusing. And perhaps this confusing behavior is even more perplexing to you since this is a matter of an arranged marriage.

My opinion is that he IS interested in you, and his lack of a timely response is due to the fact that time moves differently for men than it does for women.

It is also possible that his parents have made other arrangements with other women just in case your relationship doesn’t work out.

In any case, there does not seem to be much of a problem here. Since you are not pursuing him (you have not emailed him excessively or texted him unnecessarily) then you are doing the right thing. If he doesn’t respond right away, it does not mean he is uninterested in you. It means he is taking his time and weighing his options and deciding for himself whether or not he wants to proceed into a relationship with you.

Good luck! PS – If he doesn’t respond back to you within a couple of weeks, THEN it’s time to move on.

Sincerely,

Eve

Maybe you’re a housewife who’s being knocked about by an angry husband. Maybe you’re a teenager with bruises on your forearms from where your boyfriend grabbed you. Maybe you’re in a relationship with a guy who’s really great except that when he gets mad he does any of the following:

- slaps you
- throws things at you
- pulls your hair
- pushes you
- pinches you
- kicks you

Maybe you’re wondering if it’s really abuse. Is it really abuse if he just throws things toward you and not at you? Is it abuse if he only uses the back of his hand to slap you? Is it abuse if you slapped him first? Is it abuse if he only does it when he’s drunk, angry, having a bad day, when you burnt dinner or forgot to wash the dishes? Is it abuse if he doesn’t leave bruises or marks? Is it abuse if you started the argument? Is it abuse if he pushes you but you don’t fall? Is it really abuse?

It is, and deep inside, you know it. If you even have to ask yourself “is it abuse” then the answer is “yes.”

For god’s sake, please get out. If you don’t have any money, call every single friend and family member you have to get a place to stay, somewhere you can get back on your feet. If you’ve got kids, call a county social worker and explain the situation. Call the police. Police do not take kindly to domestic violence. If you’re afraid of being alone, be more afraid of what will happen to you if you stay. Most women who are killed are killed by someone they know.

Don’t think it could happen to you? Nicole Simpson probably didn’t think so, either.

And what’s worse than dying at the hands of an abusive man? Living with one. The shame, the degradation, the shattering of your self-worth leaves you nothing but a pile of bones. Living with an abusive man (no matter how minor the abuse may seem) is no way to live.

Please – for yourself, for your friends, for your mom, for me — I beg you. Get out. Pull up that shred of dignity you still have somewhere inside of you, and get out as soon as you can.

Dear Eve,

I’m so confused, and day dream about this guy all the time. What should I do?

Dear Confused,

It is always a tricky and sticky situation when you try to begin a relationship with someone while still involved with someone else.

It does seem like you and the Chicago executive had a great deal in common, similar goals and aspirations, and it is a shame that he’s seemingly cooled off on you. But – can you blame him?

You pursued him while you were still in a relationship with your boyfriend. Men don’t like the idea of the woman they are interested in sleeping with someone else. A little jealousy is good, but when a woman obviously has a boyfriend, it can be a little off-putting in terms of trying to build a relationship with someone new.

There is really only one thing you can do: you can ask the Chicago man, point-blank, if he would consider dating you if you were single. But before you ask him this, be prepared for the consequences: are you ready to hear the word, “No”? Are you prepared to relocate yourself to Chicago? Are you prepared to be with a man who is mid-career while you are just starting out?

Another thing to keep in mind: while it does seem on the surface that you and this Chicago man are made for each other, he might be seeing other women, playing the field, and he may not have the feelings for you that you have for him.

Men are a bit strange that way. For example, it’s been my experience that when a woman becomes infatuated with a man, her feelings grow until they are consummated with a relationship. When a man becomes infatuated with a woman, there is a honeymoon period, a “pull back” cooling-off period while the man self-evaluates, and then there is either a request for a relationship OR a total back-off. Men can become disenchanted much more quickly than women.

On a side note: it really doesn’t seem like you and your current boyfriend have much of a relationship, so please consider leaving him. Falling in love with another man while you are in a relationship is a clear sign that your relationship isn’t working. And it’s much easier to find a new mate when you aren’t tied down to one.

Good luck!

- Eve

Dear Eve,

I go to a community college in my hometown and I really like a guy in one of my classes there. It’s only on Saturdays,so I only get to see him then (except for one week, when I kept seeing him at a snack machine there). I’m 18 and he’s 21. Sometimes, I see him looking at me at the corner of his eye. Every time someone is talking to the teacher during class, he looks at them, then at me. ALWAYS! I don’t know if he sees me looking at me or not during those times. Also,the Saturday before last Saturday, he looked at me a LOT! More than usual. I don’t know if it’s because of the bottom layers of my hair were dry from straightening it all that week or not. Just so you know, he sits on the last row on the left side of the room and I sit on the row right next to the last row on the right side of the room. We swapped numbers last Saturday, but he has yet to respond back to the text I sent him asking him to take me to my prom (I finished high school early back in December and can still go to the prom at my high school). So does he like me?

Dear Wondering,

Oh, no! You asked HIM to the prom? This is ALWAYS a bad idea! Of course he likes you. I repeat: if he stared at you during class and asked you for your number, OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU. But by the time you read this, it may have turned into “Of course he liked you.” If you had dropped some well-placed hints, I think that he would have asked you out first.

(Who asked for whose number first? Please tell me you didn’t ask for his number before he asked you for yours.)

It is always a bad idea to ask men out. It deprives them of their hunting instinct. Men like to chase women. If women fall over, what’s the point for the man? Why should the man have to do anything?

Asking a man out first sets a dangerous precedent, even if the man and woman end up getting together. It encourages laziness from the man.

Listen: Take this experience for what it’s worth. Please know that many a young lady failed to seal the deal with a man because she jumped the gun and moved too fast. No matter what television would like to have us believe, it’s the man’s job to make the first move and that’s that.

Sincerely,
Eve

News reports today indicate that Sandra Bullock’s husband, a “biker dude” named Jesse James, had an 11-month affair with a heavily tattooed woman who’s currently soliciting her “modeling” career online.

Some news outlets speculate that Bullock is the victim of the “Oscar curse,” a strange phenomenon in which female actresses who’ve won the coveted award sometimes break up with their partners soon thereafter.

Since we don’t know the full situation of what should be a very private ordeal, we can only speculate on why men cheat on women. In particular, why do men cheat on beautiful women? If one compares the pictures of Sandra Bullock and her husband’s alleged mistress, one can clearly see that Bullock’s movie-star beauty far outshines her competitor’s.

But this cheating thing seems to happen to women, regardless of what they look like. Ethan Hawke cheated on Uma Thurman. Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller. Brad Pitt may have cheated on Jennifer Aniston.

Beautiful women, apparently, are not immune to the problem of men cheating.

Therefore, it can be assumed that men cheat for the reasons already thrown out over the years:

1. They find something emotionally missing in their love life with their partner.

2. They feel threatened by their partner’s success, and cheating is a way to reclaim that power.

3. They feel emasculated by the woman they are with, and choose a less-intimidating woman to cheat with.

4. Men, in general, cheat on women more than women cheat on men. And that’s just the way it is.

Uma Thurman, during an interview with Howard Stern, says that she thinks that all men cheat.

Do they? What do you think?

Dear Eve:

I hope that you will answer me. I am a lady who wanted to get to know a certain man. There was another lady who was always around when I wanted to talk to him. I am not bragging, just stating a fact when I say I was much better looking physically, wore better clothes and came across as a nicer person than she did. This man seemed to feel more comfortable with this woman and did not want to offend her by paying too much attention to me. I feel that if she never existed, I would have wound up knowing this man. I first thought it would be a piece of cake, that once he knew I cared for him, he would not even worry about speaking to her. This did not happen, and in the end, he chose for her over me. This went against everything I was taught growing up, that your appearance and charm counted. This other lady did not have much going for her in those areas. Could you shed some light on why I could not score with this man? I am still worrying about it.

Dear Confused:

It’s pretty much a myth that a man will always choose a better-looking, more charming woman over a plain Jane. While men are definitely attracted to good looks, I have personally heard men say that they prefer plainer-looking girls because they tend to “not have their noses in the air.”

The sad fact is that some men are NOT attracted to women who have high self-esteem. Some men (most men, I’d wager) actually prefer women who are passive. You sound like you have a healthy self-image, and this in itself may scare some men away.

Also, men (generally speaking) do not like it when women let them know they are interested. How forward were you when you let this man know you cared for him? Putting your cards on the table is a surefire way to get the man to flee in a less-confrontational direction.

Additionally, you say that you wore much better clothes than this other women. Guess what? This scares some men off. When a woman appears totally put together, and wears expensive, designer clothes, some men automatically think: Ooh, high maintenance. Better stay away from her.

In the end, you have to know that if this guy did not choose you, then he is NO man that you want to be with.

Good luck. There are tons of guys out there who go for well-dressed, sophisticated, powerful women. But you may as well know that many otherwise smart men are turned off by powerful women.

- Eve

I’d like to share a few recent conversations I witnessed between a man and a woman. They are both friends, nothing more. The man was giving the woman dating advice.

The woman had just started seeing some guy. She asked her male friend how long she should wait until she slept with him.

The male replied: “Well, if you’re thinking of holding out on him, the only one you’re holding out on is yourself.”

So he basically meant: Sleep with him whenever you want. It doesn’t matter.

Fast forward a week or two. The man and the woman were having lunch again, and I was at the table. The man was moaning about a girl he was in love with, who had gotten involved with another man.

He said, “I guess he sent her flowers after the first time they did it.”

We asked him how long that was.

He replied, “About a month. Which is kind of sweet. At least she didn’t give it up to him right away.”

You see this? You see how this “friend” didn’t think twice before advising his female friend to sleep with her man quickly? You see how that same man had a totally different standard for a girl he actually liked romantically?

Dating advice for tonight: Do NOT listen to your guy friends. They do not see you as a “girl” and will not give you good advice.