Free Advice for Women

Dear Eve,

I’m so confused, and day dream about this guy all the time. What should I do?

Dear Confused,

It is always a tricky and sticky situation when you try to begin a relationship with someone while still involved with someone else.

It does seem like you and the Chicago executive had a great deal in common, similar goals and aspirations, and it is a shame that he’s seemingly cooled off on you. But – can you blame him?

You pursued him while you were still in a relationship with your boyfriend. Men don’t like the idea of the woman they are interested in sleeping with someone else. A little jealousy is good, but when a woman obviously has a boyfriend, it can be a little off-putting in terms of trying to build a relationship with someone new.

There is really only one thing you can do: you can ask the Chicago man, point-blank, if he would consider dating you if you were single. But before you ask him this, be prepared for the consequences: are you ready to hear the word, “No”? Are you prepared to relocate yourself to Chicago? Are you prepared to be with a man who is mid-career while you are just starting out?

Another thing to keep in mind: while it does seem on the surface that you and this Chicago man are made for each other, he might be seeing other women, playing the field, and he may not have the feelings for you that you have for him.

Men are a bit strange that way. For example, it’s been my experience that when a woman becomes infatuated with a man, her feelings grow until they are consummated with a relationship. When a man becomes infatuated with a woman, there is a honeymoon period, a “pull back” cooling-off period while the man self-evaluates, and then there is either a request for a relationship OR a total back-off. Men can become disenchanted much more quickly than women.

On a side note: it really doesn’t seem like you and your current boyfriend have much of a relationship, so please consider leaving him. Falling in love with another man while you are in a relationship is a clear sign that your relationship isn’t working. And it’s much easier to find a new mate when you aren’t tied down to one.

Good luck!

- Eve

Dear Eve,

I go to a community college in my hometown and I really like a guy in one of my classes there. It’s only on Saturdays,so I only get to see him then (except for one week, when I kept seeing him at a snack machine there). I’m 18 and he’s 21. Sometimes, I see him looking at me at the corner of his eye. Every time someone is talking to the teacher during class, he looks at them, then at me. ALWAYS! I don’t know if he sees me looking at me or not during those times. Also,the Saturday before last Saturday, he looked at me a LOT! More than usual. I don’t know if it’s because of the bottom layers of my hair were dry from straightening it all that week or not. Just so you know, he sits on the last row on the left side of the room and I sit on the row right next to the last row on the right side of the room. We swapped numbers last Saturday, but he has yet to respond back to the text I sent him asking him to take me to my prom (I finished high school early back in December and can still go to the prom at my high school). So does he like me?

Dear Wondering,

Oh, no! You asked HIM to the prom? This is ALWAYS a bad idea! Of course he likes you. I repeat: if he stared at you during class and asked you for your number, OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU. But by the time you read this, it may have turned into “Of course he liked you.” If you had dropped some well-placed hints, I think that he would have asked you out first.

(Who asked for whose number first? Please tell me you didn’t ask for his number before he asked you for yours.)

It is always a bad idea to ask men out. It deprives them of their hunting instinct. Men like to chase women. If women fall over, what’s the point for the man? Why should the man have to do anything?

Asking a man out first sets a dangerous precedent, even if the man and woman end up getting together. It encourages laziness from the man.

Listen: Take this experience for what it’s worth. Please know that many a young lady failed to seal the deal with a man because she jumped the gun and moved too fast. No matter what television would like to have us believe, it’s the man’s job to make the first move and that’s that.

Sincerely,
Eve

News reports today indicate that Sandra Bullock’s husband, a “biker dude” named Jesse James, had an 11-month affair with a heavily tattooed woman who’s currently soliciting her “modeling” career online.

Some news outlets speculate that Bullock is the victim of the “Oscar curse,” a strange phenomenon in which female actresses who’ve won the coveted award sometimes break up with their partners soon thereafter.

Since we don’t know the full situation of what should be a very private ordeal, we can only speculate on why men cheat on women. In particular, why do men cheat on beautiful women? If one compares the pictures of Sandra Bullock and her husband’s alleged mistress, one can clearly see that Bullock’s movie-star beauty far outshines her competitor’s.

But this cheating thing seems to happen to women, regardless of what they look like. Ethan Hawke cheated on Uma Thurman. Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller. Brad Pitt may have cheated on Jennifer Aniston.

Beautiful women, apparently, are not immune to the problem of men cheating.

Therefore, it can be assumed that men cheat for the reasons already thrown out over the years:

1. They find something emotionally missing in their love life with their partner.

2. They feel threatened by their partner’s success, and cheating is a way to reclaim that power.

3. They feel emasculated by the woman they are with, and choose a less-intimidating woman to cheat with.

4. Men, in general, cheat on women more than women cheat on men. And that’s just the way it is.

Uma Thurman, during an interview with Howard Stern, says that she thinks that all men cheat.

Do they? What do you think?

Dear Eve:

I hope that you will answer me. I am a lady who wanted to get to know a certain man. There was another lady who was always around when I wanted to talk to him. I am not bragging, just stating a fact when I say I was much better looking physically, wore better clothes and came across as a nicer person than she did. This man seemed to feel more comfortable with this woman and did not want to offend her by paying too much attention to me. I feel that if she never existed, I would have wound up knowing this man. I first thought it would be a piece of cake, that once he knew I cared for him, he would not even worry about speaking to her. This did not happen, and in the end, he chose for her over me. This went against everything I was taught growing up, that your appearance and charm counted. This other lady did not have much going for her in those areas. Could you shed some light on why I could not score with this man? I am still worrying about it.

Dear Confused:

It’s pretty much a myth that a man will always choose a better-looking, more charming woman over a plain Jane. While men are definitely attracted to good looks, I have personally heard men say that they prefer plainer-looking girls because they tend to “not have their noses in the air.”

The sad fact is that some men are NOT attracted to women who have high self-esteem. Some men (most men, I’d wager) actually prefer women who are passive. You sound like you have a healthy self-image, and this in itself may scare some men away.

Also, men (generally speaking) do not like it when women let them know they are interested. How forward were you when you let this man know you cared for him? Putting your cards on the table is a surefire way to get the man to flee in a less-confrontational direction.

Additionally, you say that you wore much better clothes than this other women. Guess what? This scares some men off. When a woman appears totally put together, and wears expensive, designer clothes, some men automatically think: Ooh, high maintenance. Better stay away from her.

In the end, you have to know that if this guy did not choose you, then he is NO man that you want to be with.

Good luck. There are tons of guys out there who go for well-dressed, sophisticated, powerful women. But you may as well know that many otherwise smart men are turned off by powerful women.

- Eve