Free Advice for Women

One of things that really irritates me is all the articles and books marketed towards women who want to get their exes back.

I don’t understand this, especially if the woman was the one who was dumped.

I once read a lengthy website dedicated to helping women get their ex-boyfriends back. It was shocking. The advice was to agree with everything the man said (even if he was insulting the woman), take 100 percent responsibility for everything that went or was going wrong, and to “pretend” like everything was fine.

This sounds like the Stepford Wives to me.

If you are reading this — and you want your ex back — please, please, take a moment to read this article on why you shouldn’t bother to get your ex-boyfriend back.

If, after you read the article, you STILL want your ex back — well, then, good luck.

But I think you’re worth much more than that.

You can find someone better. I’m sure of it.

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Welcome to FreeAdviceForWomen.com. This site is designed to help women with dating tips and relationship advice. Please take a moment to read some of the articles. They are about typical experiences that we women face in the dating world: the best places to meet men, what to do on a first date and everything else dating-related.

If you’re in a new relationship, this site has advice for you. If you’re looking for a boyfriend, this site has advice for you. If you’re looking for where to meet single men–this site has advice for you!

Dear Eve,

Concerned

Dear Concerned:

Something tells me that if you have to ask me these questions, this is not the right guy for you. If you are underage or otherwise inexperienced, NO GUY SHOULD PRESSURE YOU INTO HAVING SEX.

Sure, you might lose him if you don’t have sex with him. But losing your self-respect and dignity is MUCH worse than losing a guy.

Listen to what your gut is telling you.

Re: How will he look at you before/after marriage? The truth is, most couples have sex before marriage. And neither person looks at the other person as a “cheap whore” for having sex before marriage.

You sound very young to me, so my advice is to wait.

Sincerely,
Eve

Dear Eve,

Please help me, I still have hope that maybe he’s thinking of me like I am him!! And maybe he’s waiting on me, considering none of his relationships last or could it be that when I do finally get him, it may not be as good as I thought it would!!

Dear J,

I feel your pain. I do. I understand what it’s like to love a man for years, and then to finally — almost — have him. The key word here is “almost.”

When men have sex, it sometimes triggers a “flee” button. Whereas when women have sex, our “attach” button gets pushed instead.

It sounds like this man keeps hopping in and out of relationships, and it sounds like you’ve stuck in there as a “friend” to him because you’re just waiting for him to finally “choose” you.

Since I’m not there, and the relationship seems complicated, I will offer you this:

1. Sometimes, the answer to life’s problems is staring at us right in the face. Is this guy the right guy for you? His number is disconnected; he thought that you going to a prior babysitting commitment after you spent the night was not “beneficial” and he hasn’t reached out to you.

2. He’s in and out of relationships. A clear sign that no matter what he may say, he doesn’t really know what he wants.

3. He said, “You’re cool in you’re own right.” It sounds like you need a man who says just a bit more than that.

It sounds like you need security and reassurance that he is just not going to give you. At least, not right now.

Should you wait for him? No. That doesn’t mean that you have to close the door to him ever being in your life. It just means that you have GOT to keep meeting and dating other people, going out, having fun, even without him. He may come back to you; he may not. Either is a possibility because we cannot know what he is thinking right now. We cannot know.

And therefore, we must work with what we have. And let us agree that right now he is not in your life, and right now, you and your life and your friends and job and everything else is enough to keep you comfortable. As much as it may not feel this way, please consider this: you do not actually need him.

Good luck. I hope that you have good friends who can help you. Therapy and some self-love will help, too.

Sincerely,
Eve

Dear Eve,

Sincerely,
S

Dear S,

First off, congratulations on making the step to get out of this unhealthy relationship. If he dominates you and tells you that you’re lucky to have him, it seems like he might be one of those controlling men who can turn abusive at some point. If your friends think he’s so fucking great, then you should tell them to go date him and then get back at you.

You want him out of your life, but he’s manipulated things so that people are taking his side. And plus, it doesn’t seem like he’s in the mood to let go of your relationship.

I’m sorry that you have to work with him; this is but one reason why office romance is generally a bad idea. But, since you are in a professional setting, you can use this to your advantage.

1. Email him a letter (using company email address) to tell him that it’s over, that his behavior is inappropriate and approaching the gray area of harassment (he is creating a tense work environment).

2. Tell him clearly and plainly that the relationship is OVER. Be nice but firm. Something like, “You are a nice guy, but you are NOT the right one for me, and I do NOT want to see you anymore. I am breaking up with you,” is clear and firm.

3. If he continues to harass you by picking fights with you or disturbing your work environment, take it to HR. He’s violating your right to a harassment-free work site.

This guy sounds like a real asshole, and I wish you the best of luck in getting rid of him. Worse comes to worse, there are always other jobs out there.

Good luck.

Sincerely,
Eve

Note: This is a letter sent to Eve from a girl we’ll call “Surf Girl.”

Surf Girl’s Story:

The Beginning of Surf Girl’s Story With Surf Guy
Hello,

I have this acquaintance that I know from out in the ocean. I surf with him, and he talks to my father. The first time he came to my surf spot, he tried to talk to me, and asked me who I came with. When I told him I came with my father, he started not being able to make eye contact with me, and he talked to my dad all the time.

My dad became pretty good friends with him, and they would always talk when we would go out to surf. He would still talk to me afterwards, but it would be short, and he would glance at me, look down, or look somewhere else.

When we would converse for short moments, he would ask me questions about myself, and remember the things I told him. I did not have to repeat anything to him, which made me feel special – but I never saw a relationship with him, he was just my dads nice beach friend.

Meeting Surf Boy Again After a Few Years

Fast forward 6 years. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years, and was enjoying myself in the ocean. I had not seen Surf Guy because he had been overseas.

The crowd had changed in my surf spot, and I wasn’t liking the new crowd.

When Surf Guy came back, my dad had stopped surfing, but I remembered him as a familiar face, and was so happy to see him.

I paddled up, and grabbed his leg, telling him, “Hello, where have you been?” He still looked really apprehensive and shy (frequently looking away from me), but he told me where he was, what he does, and how he missed the Islands.

The next day, I saw him again, and paddled next to him, smiled, and said “Hello.” He asked about my dad, and I told him that dad was on the sand.

Out of the blue, he asked me for my Facebook, and I gave him my email, and last name. I had given my Facebook to many other surfer guys out there who asked for it, but none of them remembered my information, so I thought “Well, if this guy really likes me, he will remember my ridiculously long last name and email.”

I did not give the request too much thought though. I checked my email that night, no request.

Then, a day later, I saw him out in the surf again, the day before he was leaving, and he told me he could not find me, and if he could have my last name and email again. I thought “What the heck,” and gave it to him. We then caught a couple of waves together, and made like we were taking pictures of each other. He told me that I was really graceful (I had heard this before) and I said thank you. He then left, and that evening I got a friend request.

Surfer Girl Falls in Love With Surfer Guy

From Feb 2010-April 2010, we wrote letters to each other. It started short, but soon grew in length. We talked about his family, his work and travels (he sent me lots of pictures), what we have to do when he gets back, my past relationship (he asked), surfing, our likes/dislikes.

We found that we had a lot in common, and I soon was head over heels for him. He told me where he wants to live, and asked me to come and check out the land with him. We told each other that we really liked one another by email letters. I thought I found my soul mate.

I had always been looking for someone who could understand my need to be near the ocean, and share my love for it, but who was cultured. He fit the bill nicely, plus he looks good. We referred to each other as My Merman (for him), and My Mermaid (for me). He even spotted a paddle with “Mermaid” inscribed on it.

Surfer Girl’s Long Distance Relationship Becomes Real

He came back the middle of April, and I picked him off the dock. It was weird. I was hoping that it would be instant connection, but that was never to be.

We met each other, hugged, and he showed me around the ship. He was really scared, I could tell by the way he hugged me. We then met some of his friends and family on deck, but did not introduce me….I was pretty upset.

After that I went back to his bunk, and he introduced me to all of his bunk mates, and gave me a pearl. We went out to eat and had a nice time chatting about the surf, and he tried to kiss me. I wanted it to be special though, so I told him “No.” He kissed me on my cheek, and we went our separate ways.

Surfer Girl Surfing With Surfer Guy

After that we started going out surfing in the morning, he showed me new spots with his other friend, and we would go out together. Then he would take me out to breakfast, and go to work.

That is when the communication problem reared its ugly head.

He liked being silent as a rock, and I like to talk about nothing (as evidenced in this long email). He told me that I irritate him when I talk about nothing of importance (aka work related things), and I think that talking about funny unimportant stuff is important – very important.

We still enjoyed each other’s company, though, as weird as it may seem. For me, his company made me feel so comfortable. He made me relaxed, because I usually have a lot of energy.

One day after breakfast, he kissed me on the cheek and forehead, and I grabbed his arm and kissed him. It was so beautiful. I know I sound corny, but it felt as if everything just vanished into bliss for those couple seconds.

The next day, we met after work, and went out for coffee and reading. He goes to sleep early, but we wanted to go out to the beach in the evening, and so I asked him if he wanted to go. He told me “No, I dont want to end up doing anything I may regret later.”

But I kept asking and we went. Conversation was nice at the beach, but we talked about oil tankers instead of each other, then started cracking jokes, which led to some dry sex.

After this evening, he gave me some rotten “I want you” texts. The problem is I did not want to have sex, I wanted to get to know him – and I was having problems with that because he doesn’t like talking. In fact, it seemed as if he could better express himself with texts/letters.

So, I told him by text that I did not want to have sex with him, and he asked me if I was wasting his time. Did he write all of those letters just to get me in bed? I told him I want a relationship, and he told me that “He would like to but he can’t, because he will be leaving soon and relationships don’t work long distance.”

We went out again, and after surfing, he mumbled “Why do I have to leave when I have found someone?” And made me feel nice. In mid-May, we went on vacation together, and got into a lot of fights there in regards to me going off on my own and leaving him, which was because of our poor communication.

We then ran into road blocks when it came to personal communication as well, as before. We had sex, but it wasn’t anything special for me. We just did it. When we got back, he started getting aggro when I would talk to other guys out in the surf. And I didn’t understand him because I don’t cheat, but he would always bring up me talking to all my other boyfriends. Whatever. We went to his mom’s house, and I fell in love with his family. I should not have went, but the feeling of familiarity I get around him makes me forget all this communication problems we have.

His family liked me a lot too, and told me that they hope it works out. I had a talk with his mom, and found out that he had many girlfriends that cheated on him.

Now, we go out to surf with his friends, he shows me pictures of his travels, we cook out together, and read. However, he always wants to have sex. When I tell him “No,” he’s fine. But sometimes, he will tell me to “Go home then,” or “Fine, I can get it from someone else” some other rude bullcrap. The weird thing is that when I tell him to “Go, I don’t care if you get it from someone else, just don’t come back to me,” he will smile, run by me, and hug me?

Bottom line is, he will take me to his mom, but tell me to get out when I don’t want to have sex. He will take me out to dinner/breakfast but be rude and use his phone while we are there (at first he used to be glued to his cell looking at stocks, browsing, facebook crap while we were eating, but after a while he started leaving his phone in the car). And of course there is our communication problem, which I am getting sick of. It seems as if its getting better so ever s l o w l y as he will now listen to my stories, but the counter side of this is that he much rather talk about sex. So I really do not know where he is coming from any more.

What should I do, and what is going on?

Sincerely,

Surfer Girl

Dear Surfer Girl,

Wow, it sounds like you’ve got yourself in quite the jam. And you also sound very young. Most (if not ALL men) actually want sex with women they’re dating. So it’s not strange or inappropriate that he wants sex with you.

Unless you are a minor, or he is also very young, there is nothing wrong with him wanting to be sexual with you.

Here’s what’s wrong: You having sex with him when you don’t really want to. I hate to tell you this, but you don’t sound like you are ready for a mature relationship right now. You don’t seem to be ready for a sexual relationship right now. What is your rush? Why are you having sex with a guy you clearly don’t really want to be having sex with?

Why are you continuing to go out with a guy who has communication problems? Here’s the truth: MOST men would rather not talk if they can help it. Society pressures them to be stoic, and to refrain from talking about anything. But if that is a major problem for you, it is better for you to look for a boyfriend who can, at least, talk about “nothing” as you so eloquently wrote.

Surfer Girl, you sound SO young to me! I wonder why you are rushing into things like this with a guy who is CLEARLY not that into you. If a man is into a woman, there is NOTHING that will stop him from being with her. Long distances will not stop him from entering into a relationship with someone he loves. So please don’t EVER accept that as an excuse.

Good luck, Surfer Girl, in finding a Surfer Guy who is much much better than this cold, icky fish. Throw him back into the ocean for someone else.

Sincerely,
Eve

Dear Eve,

Sincerely,
Needs Help!

Dear Needs Help,

Ouch, this situation sounds like it has been a very painful one for both you and your boyfriend. If you are convinced that you have been the cause of the break-ups and your therapist agrees, then I do believe your boyfriend is simply taking steps to protect himself in case your old issues resurface again.

Men can trigger very painful childhood memories and it is very common for women to lash out at men when those memories are triggered. Only a small percentage of women are completely, 100 percent emotionally healthy from a good childhood. Most of us carry a lot of emotional baggage.

In the case of your man, I would suggest giving him plenty of time. Of course he doesn’t want to move back in with you right away! Living with someone is a huge step, and if you have hurt him in the past, he needs to have a safe place (his own house or apartment).

About the wanting to see him all the time and telling him how you feel about him: that is one of the major differences between men and women. For a woman, it is very natural to tell their men how much they love them. For most men, telling their women how they feel about them is a little like going to the dentist. They really don’t want to go to the dentist, even though they know they need to. Even though the dentist is going to fix their teeth, clean them, make them all shiny and new, and they’ll feel much better about it after — they still don’t want to go to the dentist. Get what I’m saying?

Men are taught from birth to suppress their emotions, and so when they are in relationships, it’s a miracle they are able to express their feelings at all. Try to give him a break on that one. If he NEVER told you he loves you, that would be one thing.

Right now, it seems like the two of you are doing the best you can. Hang in there, and I hope the relationship eventually repairs itself to a state you both find acceptable.

Sincerely,

Eve

Dear Eve,

What do I do?

Dear Wondering,

You are quite right. If a man is serious, then NOTHING will stop him from calling. I do not think you are a fuddy-duddy at all. Rather, you are a woman with self-respect. Women should not chase men at any age. It is not attractive to men at all.

What the guy you met is doing, however, is just letting time pass to consider his options. I disagree slightly with your 24 to 48-hours rule. Many men just cannot think that fast. It takes courage to call a woman (even a woman who has expressed interest) and he may be working up his nerve.

He may also have the numbers of other women he wants to call.

My advice to you is to wait a week to 10 days. THEN if he doesn’t call you, it’s appropriate to move on and forget about him. Men can be very cowardly. But this is no reflection on you.

Stick to your rules no matter what your friends say! I have never heard of a successful relationship being formed when the woman makes the first move. We may be living in “modern” times, but that rule remains steadfast.

Sincerely,
Eve

Hi Ms Eve,
This is Tina. I received a profile of a man from his family at the end of March and I also sent them my profile later. We both liked each other’s pics and other personal and family background. It is an issue of an “arranged marriage.” Later on, he sent me an email after 2 weeks because he was in training to introduce himself and gave me his number. He gave me the option to call him or he can call me as well. So, he decided to call me since I emailed him my number and I told him to call me or I can call him, too.

Thanks and take care.
Tina

Dear Tina,

Sometimes men’s behavior is confusing. And perhaps this confusing behavior is even more perplexing to you since this is a matter of an arranged marriage.

My opinion is that he IS interested in you, and his lack of a timely response is due to the fact that time moves differently for men than it does for women.

It is also possible that his parents have made other arrangements with other women just in case your relationship doesn’t work out.

In any case, there does not seem to be much of a problem here. Since you are not pursuing him (you have not emailed him excessively or texted him unnecessarily) then you are doing the right thing. If he doesn’t respond right away, it does not mean he is uninterested in you. It means he is taking his time and weighing his options and deciding for himself whether or not he wants to proceed into a relationship with you.

Good luck! PS – If he doesn’t respond back to you within a couple of weeks, THEN it’s time to move on.

Sincerely,

Eve