Dear Eve,
Hello,
My name is J., I just turned 29 recently and i am having some regrets.
I guess I’m just having those feelings of “I’m almost 30 and I am not in a stable relationship.” I keep thinking about this guy that is, well used to be my friend. I keep wondering if I will ever get another chance.
I met this guy, we’ll call him X, at my place of employment about 4 years ago. When I saw him, it was love at first sight for me. Although, when I approached him he said he was involved so I told him that it was fine and could I just be his friend. He said yes, and we had been friends for a little over 3 years when this happened.
Now before then, he was in and out of relationships, none of them were working out for him. He would text me off and on, we would talk about random things, and no matter how long it had been we would always check in on each other.
So a little over 3 years passed and I saw him in a local club. He saw me and I said hello, and he gave me a hug. I waited until he walked toward the back of the club, and I texted him. I said, “I’m still waiting on you.”
Assuming by the response he gave, he thought I was referring to sex. And considering my message was quite vague, I guess I could see that.
So he texted back and said “Well, you may be in luck tonight.” So considering that I have been in love with this man and waiting just as long, I figured well, I can see if we can talk and catch up.
Well we got to his place, we started catching up. He started telling me how, he had always wanted me although he was always in and out of relationships. Knowing that he always wanted to be with me made me feel special. Then he continued to say he is a relationship kind of man, now he X being older (41) I assumed he was well aware of what he wanted. We continued to talk some more, and then one thing lead to another our chemistry was on fire and we had sex.
The next day I had to babysit for a friend and had to leave; when I expressed this to him it sounded as if he were upset that i was leaving. I told him that the next time I will tell them no, and his response was “It would be beneficial!” So i went home, babysat and within the morning he texted and asked if I was awake. I texted back yes and asked him how he was. He said that he was going out of state.
So considering that if you get a call after a night like that one, I again assumed that was good. We texted off and on while he was gone. Then that weekend when he came back I made sure I was dressed real nice and had my hair done up.
I went to the local bar where he worked; apparently someone told me that I had too many drinks that night because I was crying. I don’t remember that at all, of course that is my fault too.
Well when I got home, he called and asked me “Why were you crying, your weren’t crying over me?”
I still was unaware of this and explained to him I wasn’t. He began to say, “Well, you’re a good person and all, although we did something, I considered us friends.” Then he asked me what I thought of the relationship.
Instead of telling this man that I had fallen in love with him the first time I met him and all of my feelings that I was having, I became upset and shut down, and told him, “I completely understand, I know my place!!”
The next day when I sobered up, I thought about everything and asked the woman who was with me what had happened, and at that point I knew I couldn’t take it back.
But I thought that I could at least salvage the friendship.
So I sent a text, and I said, “I want all the things that you want, and if I waited this long, I can wait a little longer. If you choose me, I would be happy, although if you don’t choose me, whomever gets you, I hope they treat you like the good man you are.”
He in turn texted, “Thanks for understanding, that’s grown of you, you’re cool in your own right.”
I could sense he was just as frustrated as I was the night before; the communication wasn’t there. I have thought about contacting him, which I know is probably not right. I called the number I had and it is disconnected. I guess I’m just wondering, if the saying is still true “great things come to those who wait”?
Please help me, I still have hope that maybe he’s thinking of me like I am him!! And maybe he’s waiting on me, considering none of his relationships last or could it be that when I do finally get him, it may not be as good as I thought it would!!
Dear J,
I feel your pain. I do. I understand what it’s like to love a man for years, and then to finally — almost — have him. The key word here is “almost.”
When men have sex, it sometimes triggers a “flee” button. Whereas when women have sex, our “attach” button gets pushed instead.
It sounds like this man keeps hopping in and out of relationships, and it sounds like you’ve stuck in there as a “friend” to him because you’re just waiting for him to finally “choose” you.
Since I’m not there, and the relationship seems complicated, I will offer you this:
1. Sometimes, the answer to life’s problems is staring at us right in the face. Is this guy the right guy for you? His number is disconnected; he thought that you going to a prior babysitting commitment after you spent the night was not “beneficial” and he hasn’t reached out to you.
2. He’s in and out of relationships. A clear sign that no matter what he may say, he doesn’t really know what he wants.
3. He said, “You’re cool in you’re own right.” It sounds like you need a man who says just a bit more than that.
It sounds like you need security and reassurance that he is just not going to give you. At least, not right now.
Should you wait for him? No. That doesn’t mean that you have to close the door to him ever being in your life. It just means that you have GOT to keep meeting and dating other people, going out, having fun, even without him. He may come back to you; he may not. Either is a possibility because we cannot know what he is thinking right now. We cannot know.
And therefore, we must work with what we have. And let us agree that right now he is not in your life, and right now, you and your life and your friends and job and everything else is enough to keep you comfortable. As much as it may not feel this way, please consider this: you do not actually need him.
Good luck. I hope that you have good friends who can help you. Therapy and some self-love will help, too.
Sincerely,
Eve
